Arresting Arrested Development
As professional Biblical counselors, more and more, we are dealing with marital issues between young men who are exhibiting arrested development and their equally young wives who married them fully expecting to change their husband’s behavior. Soon after marriage, these couples find themselves at odds with one another. It’s a lose-lose situation.
But how did we get here? How has our culture become characterized by men who, emotionally speaking, never developed past high school? What has happened to cause such an increase in immaturity, irresponsibility, and entitlement? As professional Biblical counselors, we are uniquely positioned to address these questions and guide the necessary changes.
In 1983, Dr. Dan Kiley wrote the book Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up. That syndrome, first identified over forty years ago, has grown and developed into a generation of young men who reject maturity and its inherent responsibilities while embracing a culture of play, pleasure, and personal fulfillment.
But is this outcome inevitable for our young men? As parents, particularly fathers and mothers, we have a significant role to play in helping our sons develop into mature, responsible leaders. Is there something we can do to guide them on this path?
We firmly believe that change is possible for our young men.
First, our young men need fathers who will invest time in teaching their sons to live, think, and act responsibly. Dads, when is the last time you spent time talking to your sons about what it means to be a man. We’re not talking about brutish masculine behavior, but do your sons know how to fulfill their future roles as husbands and fathers? Your teaching and model will go far in helping your sons make the transition from child to adult. As you establish the standards for personal accountability and others-oriented service, you will be training young men who will be prepared to take ownership of their responsibilities while also developing a heart for the needs of others.
Mothers, we are certainly not off the hook when it comes to helping our sons become men, not overgrown boys. The greatest thing we can do for our sons is to allow them to grow and change. Comments about “losing our baby” or tears when they prepare to leave home for college, the military, a trade school, or whatever their next endeavor is will only hold them back. Young men, who are treated like children, will remain children! Trust us: the relationship you can have with your grown-up son will be sweeter when you aren’t frustrated by their immature actions. Be excited about their next adventure, and send them out the door with your prayers and encouragement so they know you believe they will succeed.
One quick rabbit trail, but food for thought…
Many of the young husbands that we meet in the counseling room have an unhealthy addiction to video games. That addiction didn’t begin when they left home but was developed over years of unfettered game-playing. Consider carefully what you do and don’t allow in your home!
Now, what about those young wives? Although they sit across the counseling table from us with disappointment in their eyes, they are equally culpable for the predicament in which they find themselves. An immature desire for a husband who is “cool,” good-looking, the life of the party, or (too often) a little edgy will lead our daughters to relationships with grown-up boys, not men. After our daughters walk down the aisle, they will quickly tire of a husband who plays video games all night or can’t hold a job because of his irresponsible behavior.
Parents, communicate frequently with your girls! Ask them good questions about the young men with whom they are associating. Ask them to verbalize what they find attractive. Help them focus on the future—not just the “fun” of the present. They may push back against your counsel, but someday, they will thank you for loving them by helping them make wise decisions.
Megan Scheibner 